Does the word lump ever mean anything good? I mean, “take your lumps”, “lump it or leave it”? I mean even a lump of sugar doesn’t sound appetizing. When is a lump ever good?
Yes, I am blathering. I am sitting here at my computer and should be working but my mind is wandering. We went on vacation last week and I have work, housework and the like piled up yet I am less productive than normal. Why? This morning I may have found a lump…..
But first a few facts:
A) I made an appointment with my doctor but it isn’t until next Tuesday so I don’t actually know anything.
B) I am a lumpy person. I have these fibroid type things so even if it is a lump it may be nothing.
C)I MAY have found a lump or I MAY NOT have. It is just a good thing that I have book learning. I have a few health issues that I have had since I was a kid so I learned to ignore my body a long time ago;). But I thought I felt something before that I wrote off and now it is more defined, I think.
All that said. I am a little emotional. There is part of me that had resigned myself that I would have cancer some day but not at 37 and not really breast cancer. I have a cancer ridden family but breast is the one I don’t think we have in the family history.
But I know nothing. I feel ridiculous for feeling so emotional when there are no actual facts. And won’t be for at least a week! Nothing has actually changed… I need to get over this because focusing on it and obsessing on it will do nothing good for me. But I would appreciate your prayers and I will let you know when this turns out to be nothing and I will feel silly.
But one last thing… Is it weird that the first thing I thought about was the need to clean up all my clutter so my kids wouldn’t have to?
Sorry, one more last thing. Is it wrong to admit that I thought if I have cancer but am going to put my family through treatment hell and then die would it be better to be undiagnosed and just die?