Lump?

Does the word lump ever mean anything good? I mean, “take your lumps”, “lump it or leave it”? I mean even a lump of sugar doesn’t sound appetizing. When is a lump ever good?

Yes, I am blathering. I am sitting here at my computer and should be working but my mind is wandering. We went on vacation last week and I have work, housework and the like piled up yet I am less productive than normal. Why? This morning I may have found a lump…..

But first a few facts:
A) I made an appointment with my doctor but it isn’t until next Tuesday so I don’t actually know anything.
B) I am a lumpy person. I have these fibroid type things so even if it is a lump it may be nothing.
C)I MAY have found a lump or I MAY NOT have. It is just a good thing that I have book learning. I have a few health issues that I have had since I was a kid so I learned to ignore my body a long time ago;). But I thought I felt something before that I wrote off and now it is more defined, I think.

All that said. I am a little emotional. There is part of me that had resigned myself that I would have cancer some day but not at 37 and not really breast cancer. I have a cancer ridden family but breast is the one I don’t think we have in the family history.

But I know nothing. I feel ridiculous for feeling so emotional when there are no actual facts. And won’t be for at least a week! Nothing has actually changed… I need to get over this because focusing on it and obsessing on it will do nothing good for me. But I would appreciate your prayers and I will let you know when this turns out to be nothing and I will feel silly.

But one last thing… Is it weird that the first thing I thought about was the need to clean up all my clutter so my kids wouldn’t have to?

Sorry, one more last thing. Is it wrong to admit that I thought if I have cancer but am going to put my family through treatment hell and then die would it be better to be undiagnosed and just die?

3 Comments on “Lump?”

  • Elizabeth October 30th, 2012 4:33 am

    Deep breath! I didn’t find a lump but was sent back 4 times for more details images a few years ago. It is totally scary! Ended up being a cyst that was drained (huge long needle and just as scary) but still….

    That being said, my husband just died from colon cancer. Treatment does not have to be hellish. Chemo drugs are so refined now many people do not get barfy from them. Robert didn’t. Plus he could do 1 day in the office and 2 days at home with a chemo pump.

    And my first thought after the 1:33am call from MD Anderson – crap now I have to clean my house before people come over.

  • NerdMom October 30th, 2012 9:50 am

    I am so sorry for your loss Elizabeth!! I just don’t know what else to say but I am sorry…

  • Another Lump and Still Wondering | NerdFamily Blog November 7th, 2012 11:43 pm

    [...] so it has been a week since I wrote about my lump, my mind and the fact that I knew nothing. Well, I know more now and still nothing all at the same [...]

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