My Girls. They just had birthdays last week, yes both of them. NerdPie turned 6 and NerdPud turned 2. I started thinking about having girls. See, I always wanted 4 kids but I thought it would be safer to have 4 boys. I mean I am a tomboy (still) and well, moms and daughters. Need I really say more? My mom did quite a job on me and I was petrified how I would screw up my girls. My mom and I always had this weird co-dependent relationship where she defined all I was and all I was worth. I remember when I was pregnant with NerdPie going to the Women’s Retreat. Donna Partow was talking about the difference between first and second generation Christians and just over all being a Christian woman. I had a good cry but then this piece came over me about having my first girl.
Then NerdPie was born. Both my girls have been absolutely beautiful since birth. They both have joy but NerdPie has always had this lightness and joy about her. My first stepfather (mom’s 2nd husband) has always said how much she reminds him of me when I was little. Well, that really hit me one day.
See by the time I was 6 I was on my 3rd dad and he wasn’t all that keen on me. I didn’t grow up knowing my birth father and by the time I was in 3rd grade my first stepfather was out of my life. So I always wondered what was wrong with me that not one of my fathers either loved me or loved me enough to be around. Add to that my mother has choosen to be out of my life since I have become an adult. I always have had this cloud weigh over me wondering how bad of a person I must be that my own mother doesn’t even love/like me. I figured I walked out of my childhood, teen years and even college without parental love because that must be my punishment becuase I was bad and not worthy of love. Logically I knew that the chaos in my life wasn’t all about me but that didn’t heal my heart. I knew God loved me but I didn’t emotionally understand why or how other than because He said. And that God keeps His end of the bargain. So I felt loved by God as almost an obligation.
So one day when she was probably 2(ish) I was looking at my sweet NerdPie dancing around a room. I saw all her innocence and beauty. What I saw most was her joy. A carefree joy I don’t ever remember having. I saw her giggling and reaching for me. And it hit me. God (in my heart) asked what she could do to make me turn my back and heart on her. Of course we say no but then I really thought about it. Is there anything she could ever do that would make me turn away? How about when she is an adult and crying for me? Could I walk away? My answer was of course no, never. So what ever has gone on in these other adults that enable them to walk away from me couldn’t have had anything to do with that joyful little girl that I was. Then God took it a step further, that is how He still sees me. As a sweet child who is headstrong at times but His, so of course He loves me. No matter how I stomp my foot at Him or no matter how many times He has to discipline me.
And my girls? They have given me a huge piece of myself that I lost so young due to life. The joy to dance, the joy to both want to paint my toenails and dig my toes in the dirt. They also have given me a value. The value of how God sees me, a child who is loved. A child who was treated poorly but didn’t deserve it.
A footnote: My first stepfather and I reunited after my first child was born. He had been kicked out of my life when I was a kid but now we have a relationship of sorts. When NerdPie was about 6 months old my birth father found me. And then right before NerdPud’s birth we finally saw each other for the first time since I was 2. We now talk once every week or 2 and are well on our way to a pretty decent relationship. My mother still doesn’t want into my life because I bring her to much pain. Only time will tell what God will choose to do in that relationship. But my heart still misses her but I don’t need her in order to feel whole. God meets that need.