I just finished watching August: Osage County. It made me feel all these emotions and thoughts about my family. And not in the “at least my family isn’t that bad” way. But more in the “Holy crap, that could be a version of us in the future” way. I thought about how if I was constantly around it, how would it affect me versus how it already has…
I had all these thoughts running through my mind. Including that I can’t be the only one in this type of crazy situation, I just watched a movie about it. Knowing I am not alone, my thoughts turned to blogging to sort out the jumble in my head. Not only to vent but hopefully my chaos would help someone else in their own chaos.
And then I stopped short.
Why? I don’t really blog about the crazy that is my family situation, my mom or any emotions/thoughts about it. I don’t allow myself to write about anything to do with anything remotely related to my family and the effect on my life. I know for my mom, anything I write about any emotional processing or facts about my family will be an attack on her. Even if it isn’t about her. So I didn’t write about it for a smattering of reasons.
The first big reason is I want to respect my mom. I do love her and I don’t want to make her angry. I keep thinking at some point in the future she won’t be angry at me for the fact I have boundaries and that I can’t romanticize our past (because it angers and hurts me) and I don’t want a blog to be the one reason she won’t speak to me. But since I moved out on my own and got married, since I drew boundaries on how she could treat me, since I cut the strings she carved me out of the family. Why would a blog make the difference?
Another reason I never write about it all is a little shame. For years I despised myself. What kind of person am I that my own mom doesn’t love me? It took having kids for me to emotionally realize that is all more about her than me. But there is still a fear that others will judge and despise me for the same reasons I did.
The last reason is a ridiculous fear. My mom always made sure I knew that I was a horrible person. She had lists of stupid things I said and bad things I did (and they were bad). These things all served as evidence to show what a bad person I truly am. And if I aired what she considered to be her dirty laundry or embarrassed her…. Well, she would destroy my image and reputations. Everyone would know me for the despicable person I am. And yes, I lied and snuck around and did a whole bunch of crap that I am not proud of. But know what else? That was all before I was 21. Yup, before I was 21! That can’t define the person I am no. And I don’t think that I would want to be around any small minded people whom all that could effect.
Now that I have come to terms with the stupid thing that have prevented me from writing about my family situation, this isn’t going to become a mom bashing blog. But it does mean I am going to be free.
Free to write about missing my siblings. Free to write about questions on how to deal with my emotional issues. Free to share the epiphanies that have given me freedom from pain. I really can’t know what all it means but I do know that it isn’t actually about my mom but a freedom to be about me….
Brava to you Jessica. We are all on our own journey and you have to live it with truth and bravery. But I’m not sure I could be as brave. I care way too much what others think of me. I hope I grow out of it soon.
Do you know the author Brené Brown? She was all I could think of as I read your post. She’s a shame and vulnerability expert, and her books are really, really good. One of the biggest takeaways from her work is that shame can’t exist when you air it out. I’m glad that you’re willing to speak out about your family. It will do you a lot of good.
Oops I feel dumb. Sorry Jackie
I am so glad you all blogging about these things. The truth is, a lot of is have issues we don’t share because of the backlash. Rave on Honey!
Freedom is good. But when dealing with difficult topics to remember to be as respectful and as honest as I can. I try not to rant but wait for those feelings to cool a little so I write with a little more perspective. I’m glad you’re in a good place and are ready to let go.
Right there with ya! There are many things I wish to write about but am afraid too because of the backlash. Amazing how simple facts or statements can bring about such drama and emotional storms. My husband’s family is that way.